Darkness in my soul...

I'm blogging back to black. I have already begun by adding the melancholic background music. My depressive-perky self is coming back to me. I know those two words totally oppose each other but that's what I feel right now. That hidden sadness that I have within me since childhood is coming out. I'm again having these ideas of eternal sorrow, journey-through-eternity thing, loneliness, being hollow and alone. But I can't help but want to let out my happy self. I've been laughing as loud as I can when I'm with my friends, talking of our happy future plans, sharing what had been during our day... but I'm still sad. Things are a bit lighter now because I do not think about death as much as I do before but there's this longing... I can't understand. Am I reading vampire books too much and those other stuff that talk about the after life or not dying at all. I'm so attached to these stuff. I feel like I'm in them and they're in me. It must be a mania of some sort. You have no idea how sad I am right now but feels good to be lonely. Loneliness completes me. I've been like this long before I even learned about the Goths. I just love lugubriousness; it's so me. Haha! You must think something's wrong with my head. I think so too and if you, the one reading this, know anything about this kind of mind state, please feel free to tell me so I could understand. I just would like to know. Dreary? You tell me...