Ghosts of Damnation

"There is much to be learned from beasts," said the prince to the young lady as she runs her gloved hands through the tamed wolf's fur while the prince looked at her intently.

An excerpt from Neil Jordan's INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE by Anne Rice

ARMAND: ... They have forgotten the first lesson that we must be powerful, beautiful, and be without regret.
LOUIS: And you can teach me this?
ARMAND: Yes.
LOUIS: To be without regret?
ARMAND: Yes.
LOUIS: Then what a pair we could make. (Laughs.) But what if it's a lesson I don't care to learn?
ARMAND: What do you mean?
LOUIS: What if all I have is my suffering, my regret?
ARMAND: Don't you want to lose it?
LOUIS: So you can have that too? The heart that mourns her? H--- [I didn't get this one, sorry], burnt to a cinder?
ARMAND: Louis, I swear to G...
LOUIS: Ahh... But I know you did. You, who regret[s] nothing. You, who feel[s] nothing. If that's all I have left to learn, I can do that for me. [Let me cut it here.]

A simple conversation between two complicated vampires in one sensational fiction and it gives every sense I need of it, and the simple truth that we do not only learn from learnt beings of our kind but also from those product of creation that are either above or below the hierarchy that takes Intelligence as a standard. Vampires are undead humans, therefore humans no more; Just myths from the human mind or real, I do not know for certain. We say, we humans are the highest form of animals as we call the all else, brutes, monsters, beasts. Humans have ungratefully forgotten what they came from; Higher form or not, still animals.

I do not fully comprehend what I have just stated.

Be without regret, how do I be that? Though I try to be strong for myself, and the people and things I care for, my weakness just cannot hide or I cannot hide from it. I am constantly successful in keeping it away from people's sight but I cannot keep it from me for it finds me. I was on my home this afternoon, riding on a trike when I overheard the driver and a girl talking. He asked the girl of what year she's already in and whether she is good in Geography or not. The girl answered she's not and the driver started telling things about sparing other student passengers if they answer what he asks them correctly. He began explaining stuffs about how important educaton, Math and English were and all those blah-blahs. One thing struck me, the mere utterance of Math. He seem to know a lot of things and he's got this small whiteboard inside the sidecar with a prayer and some mathematical problems. Their exchange of thoughts lasted on the whole trip and I cannot help but get stirred. I was never good at Math and almost every particular event of my failures came back to me... not only in Math but everything that went with it and after it, related and not.

I, have regrets but, regret regretting it. I don't want to anymore feel the hurt it brings but I fear that I would lose everything human inside me. It seems to be all, or most of the things I have to keep me company during my loneliness. There's a segment inside my head where I hold every brokenness, the faces and names of those who tore me to pieces, ways to bind every broken piece and somehow keep it together...

I'm lost, almost completely.