That's what you get...

Currently playing my Never Gone CD as I write. I haven't listened to it for quite a long time after the concert. I just missed their voices and they are singing my emotions at this very moment. I'm calmly feeling things around me. I'm feeling kinda Emo, Backstreet style. Hehe... But seriously, emotions are stirring inside me; I'm a bit blue but not sad. I don't know what to exactly call it but lemme tell you what's going on in my head.

Been out of the school band scene for quite a while and I'm good. I'm not missing what we use to do on-stage and on rehearsals because I get to still do it alone at home with only the walls, the ceiling, the door and everything in my room as an audience. But what I'm anxious about is coming back. I wanna come back next school year as a better artist/performer. I don't know how to cure my sickness. Look at these: a lot of famous, successful people are fatter than I am and they don't mind and just get on with getting successful and getting admired. I wanna be that but I just can't fight feeling so bad about how I look. I'm okay with my height, my figure's just a bit big in the midsection but I think I still look like a Rock star. Hehe... And not only the looks that bother me, my performance. I don't think I'm competitive enough, I don't think I rock enough. Yeah, they say it's all in the hypothalamus [head actually] but I wish I can tell my hypothalamus to fight stage fright and baseless shame. *breathes deeply*

I was watching PBB earlier when this butterfly perched on Rustom's hand while he and Keanna are talking. It's not just any butterfly but a Mariposa, a very big kind of butterfly. They [people] have this spiritual belief about butterflies being messengers from departed loved-ones and the afterlife have always amused me. It brings forth my Gothic side, and my dreamy-dramatic way of looking on things. Eternity makes me cry. I mean, I have this poetic sense of "forever" and that includes souls, spirits, death... I know it's very mushy but I am mushy and I can't help feel the mushiness of mushy things. *sighs*

When is a song lovely? When you're feeling it. There's this girl in a BSB forum who brought up the song Climbing the Walls and asked what the line "Now I'm climbing the walls 'cause I miss you" meant and I said, "I'm crossing the line, come whatever, I'm doing this to be with you... Climbing the walls that come between us, keeping us apart... I can't stand being away from you anymore..." followed with an "Awww...". Hehe... I guess I did this for a lot of things and people already. I love 'em so I gotta have 'em but though not everything I did it for worked out atleast I did what I had to do to. How do I love? Lemme count the ways... Uh, wag na lang! I might not fit this whole post and who would care to know anyway?

If I come back next year, would I really be a better person? Would they take me back? Well, it's yet to be known and until I get there... Ehem! Hehe... I just have to improve my self image and all that follows will be well. Help me, God!

It's Ash Wednesday today and I didn't go to church. I haven't been going to church since last semester. Well, it's not a basis of faith anyway or atleast not mine. I'm spiritual but not religious, enough said.

I'm starting to bark, I mean cough. I can feel phlegm building up under my throat and this sucks. Blame the cigarette. I don't smoke but I just can't avoid smokers, they're like viruses, they're everywhere. I used to mistake "second-hand smoker" with "chain smoker", so I always tell people that I'm a chain smoker. Sucks but I think it's funny. Not laughably funny but stupidly funny. Harhar!

A'raytee! let's call it a night! G'nyt, everyone!