You wouldn't wanna be me...

It's lonely being me. Not really lonely but plain SUCKS! My summer was supposed to be some adventure with all the studying and creating stuff I wanted to have done. But as I see it not even half of my plans are working well for me. I wanted to study how to use the different softwares I got from Renan but I still haven't, just one - Adobe Photoshop CS. Ah, well. Plans fail and people let you fail. *Ahaha!* Look at me I look damn stupid! I suck BIGTIME. Look if you'll get to love this just a bit: You have to fight for your time to use the computer, people are ever disturbing you for you to let them do their business delaying yours, they never forget to remind you how fat and ugly you are, Yell at you like you are into some debt; telling that you don't own the house like you are just boarding in for free, eating their food, spending their money, that you are worthless... How happy would you be if you were me? The weather's not too good for me. I'm sweating flood, I'm hungry after 3 hours after a meal. My room is silent because I've destroyed almost everything, my discman, the karaoke, my cassette... I'm so proud of myself. *Grrr* I can't save money because I've said I'm always hungry. Luckily, no problems in school except for the shifting which is still hanging on a thread because we're not sure if the dean will allow us to. I always pray he would because I'll be looking at my self as a big, fat loser again if I stay in Computer Science and if I wouldn't be able to pass the math subject and I don't want to take JAVA Programming allover again esp. if it's going to be Mr. Ribo again. I don't want anymore company visitations, computer systems and those stuffs he compell his students to do. I just don't want to do it if it's him. *Uh-Uh!* Atleast I'm not yet running out of plans and dreams to bring to life. *Huh* Just wanted to let it out because it's eating me inside everyday like was Prometheus at the top of Mt. Caucasus and my insides are being eaten by birds at sundown and grows back in the morning just to be eaten again before night falls. Things will be better, I know. But until then...

As fantasies come alive...

I'm excited about this new Tele-Fantasia coming out on GMA. It's called Encantadia. The name was first heard in Mulawin, another Tele-Fantasia from GMA, the home of the fairies. Now this is a whole different from the first Encantadia there in. The production is the grandest-ever fantasy series created in GMA. I can't wait to see it. The sets, costumes, make-ups were so great like those I've seen on the Lord of the Rings trilogy; there were also puppets, robots. The props are real not like those in Mulawin, which looked like paper mache. The fight scenes, special effects are marvelous -- World class in every sense of the word. I dunno but I'm really frantic about it. Since I was a child, I have been fascinated with stuffs about a place beyond where we are. A world of music, magic and me. Realms ruled by kings, warriors on horses, swords and sorceries, no guns... A place of love at its greatest... *Awww!* What a world to live in. Prior to Encantadia, Renan and I will be working on a fansite dedicated to this master piece. And he'll be recording episodes too. I can hardly wait. The child within me is waking up again...

This is so NICE!!!

My effort was put to waste. Argh! I hate it. I spent an hour writing my blog just to find out that the whole document was not saved, just a half of it. It done now and I can't re-write was I already wrote there. I learned my lesson; I'll make it shorter, next time. *Sigh*

Isn't someone missing?

please, please forgive me but i won't be home again. maybe someday you'll have woke up, and, barely conscious, you'll say to no one: "isn't something missing?" I feel so damn inexistent again. I'm not sad because the happiness I had from my conversation with Rex is still circulating in my blood. Talking with him like we were really close friends feels good in the heart. Not only because I like him and I'm crushing on him but also because I didn't have to look into his eyes to see the softness of his character. We are alike in some ways. I just wish I get to know him a little better. you won't cry for my absence, i know - you forgot me long ago. am i that unimportant? am i so insignificant? isn't something missing? isn't someone missing me? No one seems to remember me. Everybody's making everybody testimonials on Friendster except for me, everone's texting everyone except for me, they all send each other messages through whatsoever but seems like they've forgotten li'l old ME. Nobody's answering my message, nobody would even care to ask how I was, nobody would respond to my texts... Well, there are some but not those who I expect to. I'm used to these 'cause I've been through this a thousand times before; I try to be there for everybody but no one would be there for me. Nothing new, really. That made me what I am now. Numb enough not to care to remember or even consider other people's feelings just to save myself. Things just keep on happening over and over again, one big deja vu! even though i'd be sacrificed, you won't try for me, not now. though i'd die to know you love me, i'm all alone. isn't someone missing me? The song fits me well at anytime of the day, any day of the week 'cause like I said nobody seems to remember I'm still here. I'll be seeing them again this June but I doubt it things will be the same. I mean, I'll be shifting to another course, be meeting new people, hanging out with different friends, and be trying new things with myself. Nothing will change totally... I think... I'm not sure. I'm hav

Just happy to be there...

I'm very happy last Thursday. And that special happiness carries on until today. Feel like I've never this been happy for years. I bet you have no idea how happy I am. Here's the story: It's summer and I'm taking my summer classes. I never came to me that my Trigonometry period will be my happiest; I'm usually bored, confused, and brain-wrecked with this subject. Just imagine how many times in a lifetime I have to take this dreaded subject... one in highschool, three in college because I failed it for two consecutive 2nd semesters. Now summer's cool. I don't have much to worry about. I more focused this time of the year. Plans fail but I strongly feel that I'm going to pass it this time. I've been passing my quizzes and seatworks, hopefully I make it through the major examination. And I thought that the Backstreet Boys' come back is the only thing that'll make me happy this summer but there is something more. April 14, 2005, Thursday is such a blessed day. Heaven-sent with every sense of it. I have a new friend in class her name is Katrina. She's really nice and I even got more friends through her because I got to hang-out with her classmates, BCS11. But that's not it. She's only a part of the story. She is seated beside me because we were arranged in alphabetical order. I got close to her instantly on the first day of class, she told me I looked familiar and asked me... Ah! never mind that. There. She is seated beside me but she had to go to the front row that day to seat beside her classmate for reasons I don't know. And so she did. She went there but left her bag on her seat. Meanwhile, Rex [a very good reason to smile], one of my ultimate "Crushmates" was sitting at the last row behind my row [second to the last] because he came in late and somebody has already taken his seat. He asked if anybody was sitting on the empty chair beside me and I told him that she was already up front and asked him if he wanted to seat there. I moved the bag to give him the seat and took it. *Smiles wide deep inside* First thing he asked was if I understood the lesson and I humbly said that I did, a little. He said that he didn't quite understood it but believes he could pass it and I believe it too. Then our conversation started. He and another classmate, Darwin from BCS11, noticed our teacher's pants. Is it opened? I did too. But it was hard to see because the zipper is of the same color as her pants. I told them that was good because if it weren't the same color we would have seen it opened and that's... not good for her. And it went on. We talked about where we were from and I discovered a few things we have in common, he opened up something to me about his days back in highschool and how he hated it... we talked about a lot of things in that very short span of time. Time just seemed to be running smoother that it ever did before... the summer heat seemed to have a became a gentle breeze on my face. As we talked, I glanced at him every once in a while; I look at his forehead, his hair, his face, his hands... I didn't feel my heart beat faster, as a matter of fact I didn't feel it at all. All I felt was perpetual happiness for at long last my high hopes of getting close to him was then and there. He talked to me like I'm one of his closest friends whom he always hang out with, confide his secrets... It just felt great to be there. That sweet little moments is one of the greatest thing that simply rocks my world and make me happy. Being a friend to someone I consider special for reasons that I don't really have a clear reason for liking them. I can feel it. We'll be close friends and this summer will be one of my most memorable. Taking the subject for the third time is a blessing in disguise. God has his reason for bringing me there. And I can't be thankful enough. I'll never be ashamed anymore. The very thing that brings me down is now the key for my happiness. That conversation with him would have never been if I passed it the first time or the second time I took it. Maybe it would have still happened but in another occasion or in another setting but I would prefer it that way. My LIFE is almost back now. I feel more alive and have more reasons to live than I had last year. The Gothic thing I had wasn't really that bad because I had it for Art but I think I'll be off of it for now. My world is full of color and I guess the shadows won't be back for a long time and I'm glad about that. I'll be living the life I used to have: the funky, perky, full of life, spice, fantasy, soul, active, boy-bonded, street-smart... the ME that used to be...

Hmp!

Good vibes, bad vibes... dance on the ocean, Man-made insanity's holding me down

Good vibes, bad vibes.. a way of locomotionI can show you, I can show you all around

Blue light, red light... drink a magic potion, One-track eternity's making me frown

Blue light, red light... bittersweet emotion, Won't you send me way up the underground

Hold tight, uptight... waiting for the sunlight, All my enemies are watching me drown

Hold tighm uptight... I'm on the wrong side, I'm on camp site waiting on a silver cloud

Good vibes, bad vibes... dance on the ocean, Man-made insanity's holding me down

Good vibes, bad vibes... a way of locomotionI can show you, show you all around

I had no choice! I could have had a better background if I had my own webcam at home. Anyway, that wouldn't prevent me from sharing my sweet glare to ALMOST everyone who wants to see it. Smiling isn't really my thing 'cause I'm never good at it and I rarely see myself good in my picture. I look sick, don't I? It's the eyebags... I wish I know how to get rid of it...

All That, More Than That, Just That... Blah!

School's in. Nothing new except for new faces in class including the professor. I feel so, damn, little for taking Trigonometry for the third time. I could just imagine what my friends, classmates and other people in between those categories are thinking. I feel pretty... stupid! Hahaha... Atleast I feel pretty. *Growls* I hate it. People take me for some junk; some good-for-nothing-but-music jukebox! That's why I'm laying low with my music thingy for a moment. They don't seem to trust me with anything but singing but I know I can be and I really am more than just that. I need to fix my life and be the ME that I am or that I WAS. I used to be good with my studies... I used to receive recognitions... I used to be on 'top'... Well, I used to be that but not anymore. I know I shouldn't let these things get into my head 'cause I might just self-destruct and break into pieces again and start picking myself up all-over again which is really hard. I keep on lying with my laughs and smile. It would seem like I'm using my friends to hide the fact that I'm very unhappy. Oh, well. I'm not in the mood for letting anybody or anything let me down today so I'll just go on living my life the way I used to live it. It feels so good...

I haven't been blogging for quite some time now. I wanted to but I can't seem to organize my thoughts; the feeling just isn't there. *Whooo* I don't wanna do this anymore...

I posted AJ's picture for inspiration. I worked hard on editing the color because its kinda blurry and brown. Such beautiful Kodak moment deserves a rich color to give it the life it has. I really love that guy. The effort was worth it. He makes me wanna go on. *Awww* I can't wait till June when their album will be out. But though I'm excited, I'm still frustrated 'cause not all of their merchandise are available in the Philippines. Just a few. Very few. I read a few articles and saw some pictures when I did a little research on Paris Hilton because sometime in 2004 she became Nick Carter's girlfriend. I think she's bitchy for an heiress. One magazine called her past boyfriends "boy-toys", a term which I think is fit for a playgirl. I don't think she's that pretty though. Still, I don't really know. She wouldn't be a model if people don't think she's pretty; Like I care! I don't find those stuff about her very nice 'cause it's definitely bad publicity. But I can't judge her just for that because in the first place I don't know her and I wouldn't bother to write anything about her if it wasn't for Nick Carter, who happens to be part of the five people I love most in the world, which is the Backstreet Boys. I felt good when I saw this picture of Paris inside a circle and a slash with a caption that says: SAY NO TO PARIS!

Summer classes so far are doing good and so am I. I understand my lesson better now --that includes math!-- and haven't failed any quiz yet, long and short. I hope I make it this time. I'm trying to focus now on what I'm doing and never let my mind off it, as if I'm in the wilds working with pure instinct, keeping watchful eyes for predators, taking care of myself and being on top of the food chain so I can survive. So far it works. Sometimes you can learn more with the animals than humans and I just wish I could spend sometime with them. Darn! I miss watching NGC. I miss the damn cable! Well, human or not LIFE seems to be always on the concept of survival of the fittest. I think I'm at it. Ready to try my luck back in the bushes. I didn't really have much to reflect last Holy Week but it somehow gave me my spirit back and with the death of the Pope... Things about him came out, his life, his deeds, everything. I want to be like him. I can't be as religious as he was but I just have to find something to dedicate myself in working to so I could succeed... I can't wait! Woohoo!