To sing or not to sing?

The week is finally over and new one's up. Hmm... A lot of things to look forward to this week; I don't know when's the awarding for PintaCOS yet, the PPS audition in SM Dasmarinas is up this Saturday and Sunday, I have to grab a lot of handouts for each subject, I'll be having a new phone this August... Wow! Time goes by so fast. I can't wait to see my friends in Lucena but I have to wait till it's semestral break and I was told we're finally getting our yearbook. Oh, well... Felise had an interview in The Buzz again, claiming the same thing. Oh, well! But in fairness, she doesn't look 24 and she looks older in the picture of her that I got than how she looks like in television. But still, that won't make me like her even a bit. Finally, Cogie spoke up about the issue and cleared up everything that he and Felise never was together and nothing happened between the two of them. Whew! He said he'll be careful next time in choosing his friends. Man, my chance to be one of his friend is very little now. But that doesn't really matter to, I'd still love him! Aww... And I'm thinking of a job change, though I don't really have an earning job yet, I wanna start stalking him. I know where he usually hangs out and I even found out that NAF does their taping at Indang, Cavite. Mwahaha!!! I've ran out of diskette again and a new set of photos was added to my collection. I need to print it but maybe I'll do it later 'cause I'm still saving for my phone and I don't know how much it'll cost. Well, I'm planning to make my Cogie scrapbook prettier that any scrapbooks I've ever made. Mwahaha! Anyway, my mom just came from the grocery to buy stuffs for the store and she bought Closeup in sachet and it's chocolate-flavored and asked one so I can try it. I wonder how it tastes like and what it feels like to brush your teeth with chocolate. Hahaha! And another thing, I'm really hoping to grow a little more taller than I am now with the powers of Cherifer PGM. Mwahaha! To sing or not to sing, that is the question. PPS will be holding auditions and I'm having second thoughts if I should go for it because I'm not so confident about my singing. I don't know what to sing, I don't feel pretty and... Uhm? I don't know! I still have time to think, 5 days to be exact and I need power. I need support from my friends and those who believe that I can do it. Whuddoaydo? Felson is definitely coming and I wish he can give me some boost 'cause I need it badly. I'm spinning around. I'm already nervous as I type. Waaah!

Call of the wild

The druidess, through the power of the cairn, was bestowed with dark powers and has become a witch. Her wooden staff was granted with powers to protect her people. She chosen a few to be her warriors and through her blessing they have become warriors of the dark of night. They were called berserkers. These warriors were known for their frenetic violence, unrestrained enthusiasm, thirst for bloodshed, reckless savagery and insane fury. Feared by the ancients, they made their own history and this is their story...

Did you like that? I made that up just now. I though it would be a good opening for my entry. I'm feeling pretty murderous today. Demoniac? Not really. At the edge of never break down? Almost. I've probably released a hell lot of emergency hormones today, I hated the world. It begun yesterday after school. I rode the back of the tricycles driver's seat, right next to an old man. He was positioned in a way that his elbows were touching my waist. I tried to move a bit away to somehow let him know that I'm not liking what was happening but the dirty old man was too stupid not to move even a bit. I moved away, putting my weight on my side of the seat. I suddenly felt the trike slowing down. There were noises and I was sure i made it. I wanted it to turn over and I'm somehow suceeding. The driver kept looking at me through the mirror 'cause he probably knew something was wrong. The wretched old man seemed to have enjoyed how he was. I went down very mad. Then later, at night I was already hitting my head (literally) with my hands like I'm some kind of mentally disranged creature because I was looking for something I kept before, which I needed the next day, that I can't find. I wanted to find other things to hit to release tension but I thought I might end up destroying it so I did it to myself instead. I needed that stuff badly for the drawing contest I'm going to join. I kept it all in a box that I placed in the house's "stock room" but I went in to search for it and retrieve what I needed, the box was nowhere to be found. They kept the stuff somewhere and, hell!, I don't know where. When I finally calmed down, I found some others stuff I can use to get ideas but things could've been better if I found what I was looking for. Then this morning, I woke up early, like 530am for the contest and went to school before 8am. I thought I ultimate sacrifice of waking up that early when my class is still at 2pm. I waited at the venue where they said they're holding it. I waited for 1 and a half hour but saw no sign of the officers-in-charge of the event. I was pissed. I went home to sleep for the remaining hours. Then going back to school before my next class, there was this jeepney "driver from hell". He can be a qualified drag racer. I don't really understand and it's scaring me that there's always one day in a week that I get to ride a drag racer-driven jeeps. I kinda afraid of speed because I had near-accidents before which involved speeding vehicles. Hey, I don't wanna die with a crushed body. Man, that'd be ugly. Then when I came home, and even in school, the people (most but not all, since Monday)are pissing me off. It'd be a waste of time to tell exactly what I'm talking about, none of your business so... Fuck Off!!! Still, there's a reason to smile. I have finally fixed the look and feel of my blog, after 3 hours of hardwork. I think it's better than anything I've done better but it isn't my best yet. Amateur not newbie is the world. I finding out things I wanted to know and my hopes are soaring high. I'm on the right track. Yes! I'm so proud of myself.

His eyes are telling me, "Don'y worry. I will be here..."

Over the edge, again...

What day can get as wretched as today? I wanted to slit some throat today. I try to stay calm but people are so annoying I want to kill them one-by-one. I don't wanna ellaborate so to make it short, I'm so mad and they're getting in to my nerves that the only thing that can appease my temper is to wring their necks and and slash the life out of them. They make me so sick! Anyway, something good happened today. The filthy overpass was already being cleaned when I got to Imus from school. They sprinkled it with crystal-like deodorant/ disinfectant and the thrash was already gone. Bye for now. My mind's not working well. I'm hungry as a bear! And... Haha! buh-bye!

Waiting in Vain...

That was the title of the post I was typing earlier but it was gone. I was not able to post it because it disappeared right before my eyes. I just finished and when I'm already publishing it, the log-in page came out I logged in then it was gone. Hell, what's up with that? Ahhh! Another effort wasted! Darn! Grrr!

Look!

I finally got a picture of that Felise and her sister. There was an article saying that she already gave birth and is already coming out of the hospital this Tuesday. What could he be feeling right now? What do they need? Why are they doing this? I wish I could be there for him...

Marissa Scott and Felise Cruz

I don't know what to think of them. It hurts to read that article. People may see me as just a fan but absurd as it sounds, I love him. I know this blog was made for me, and should contain everything about me but I can't help but be affected. Most of the stuff I write in here are about him and me. 'Cuase I think I see something in him that others cannot. Maybe that was what I saw in his eyes in one of his latest pictures that I've got from S Magazine. They seem so lonely. Man, it sucks that I can do nothing about it. Looking at her and if ever she's telling the truth that they really had something between them before, then there's a pretty good chance that he may be interested of me too when he meets me. Hehehe... again, I'm kidding but I half mean it.

*takes a deep breath then sighs*

Today was somehow fine. I was late for my 7am class. While waiting for the guys, we hanged out in the parking lot during the break and talked about some showbiz stuff. Then when Kat and Renan went to their next class then I came to see the others then we went to Chrysler's dormitory. Patrick went to play at Virtus, Jerome went to the chape to meet and talk to Johan, Randy slept, I don't know where Iam went and what he did and Val and I played Patrick's XBox.

My thumbs are hurting when I went out of the room. I didn't win, not even once, over Val. We first played a chess-like game Wrath, then we went for X-Men Dimension -I'm not sure, then last was Street Fighter Vs. SNK. I will miss that when they graduate. I will miss them too; Those days of meaningless but fun conversations, laughing at the silliest things, and... man, a lot! My former band finally has a new vocalist. I don't regret getting out because I've found new things to get busy with. It wasn't easy turning them down but I lost interest so that's it. I'm officially solo. I wish them well. I just don't like practicing with a band anymore, the time to be spent there can be use to do some other things that are more important to me. I'm sorry friends.

I finally woke up and ready to work on realizing my dreams. This is my year and nobody can ever take it from me.

ANIMO LEVY!!!

Heck!

Darn shoutbox! Useless! Nobody's tagging me. Dang! Maybe nobody's reading my blog. Haaay! The hell I care! I didn't make this for anyone but myself, anyway. I'm so disappointed today but I don't wanna throw blames on anybody so might as well not talk about or write about. I can't let it get through me and interfere with my plans. Things will get better. And I'm waiting for that day, still... Anyway, I'm watching BSB's Sessions @ AOL and man! Two thumbs up? Hell, no! Two hands up! Who cares if they think BSB or all All-male Vocal Groups are baduy? I couldn't care less. I love 'em and they inspire me! Yeah, baby! I love Backstreet Boys! I'm so happy that they're finally back and I hope I'll be ready when they come to the Philippines 'cause there's no chance in hell that I'm gonna miss that for the world. Haha... To hell with those Rockers, Punks, Goths, Metalist... Let 'em kill themselves! Bwahaha! For all I care. I'm happy now and proud to be a part of the Black and Blue Army, Backstreeter, and Weird World denizen. I can say, I ROCK! Yeah! I have and forever will keep the Backstreet Pride alive!

\m/ ^.^ \m/

Heart without a Home

If you're a heart without a home, A rebel without a cause... Like a thief in the night, Let me steal your heart away, ... if a reason's what you're looking for, I'll be yours...

Does the moonlight shine on Paris, 'cause tonight it shines on me?

Tonight is the time of the month when the full moon beams brightly by my window. It shines directly into my face as I lie in my bed. It hits straight to my face like I have a skylight window at my ceiling. It reminds me how I call the state I'm in while the moon is that high and lights up the dark half part of the world where I'm in; I get hyper, and more active at night -night life, haha!- than I am at night, I dance behind my door, sing like I was Aurora (sleeping beauty, if you didn't know) by the woods, Lunacy. Well, my mind is not disranged but I think it's cute to call that behavior that. It's hard for me to stop and even to sleep when the moon's that up. My last exam tomorrow is scheduled at 2:00pm so I still have time to stay up tonight and finish this entry. This week has been cruel to me and I can't help and I have no other choice but hold myself and hold back my tears. I doubt it if anybody knows that I cry a little almost everyday because there are just things that can't be changed but I have to accept though it's really hard and I doubt if I can take it. The moon is always good to be with when you don't wanna do anything but think...

The consequences of your actions,

Really, are just a game

And your life is just a chain reaction

taking you day-by-day...

Nothing's forever in this crazy world...

It was relieving that I finally shifted course and spared myself from the hardship that will be inflicted upon me once again if I have to take another Math subject. I've been little for so long and longer I have been wounded by feeling so stupid because my fate always hangs by a thread because of something I have to endure without me really needing it in real life or even keep it inside my head for future use. I got no mercy for six years in my grade school, four times in my high school, twice in my college life. It was hell of a pain to think that I was dumb. What then could get more painful than this? I thought. Then came Wednesday, yesterday. Being a shiftee and having, most of, my subjects for my course credited, what could go wrong? I, with a friend, went to the school ministry office to check my recollection schedule. I knew something like this was coming but still it came to me as a shock. I can't join the block. I have to join other beings in a recollection. Since I went to college, this has been my most awaited time of the year but something as significant as this is about to lose its meaning. I don't wanna think about it but I can't get it off my head. I was reviewing for my Art Appreciation exam and I wanna cry but I can't let them see that. I try to laugh with them 'cause they were having fun making fun of each other, I smile while talking nonsense with them -- always fun especiallywhen you do it with them. BUT There's always a price to pay for every decision we make and this is it. I don't see the guys as often as I want to because our schedules hardly meet, I'm running out of subjects where I can join them, I'm a sophomore again and they'll already be graduating next year which leaves me and a very few behind. I may be being so mushy but I'm just being true to myself.

Sadness is beautiful.

Loneliness is tragical.

It'll be lonely without them but, in time, I'll have to deal with it. I'm currently, as I write, listening to Siberia. It's dark and mysterious, says the song but it'll just be when I get there. Then plays Never Gone. My mind is already filming a photostory for the them with the same song.

Never gone from me.

If there's one thing I believe,

I will see you somewhere down the road again.

A lot of them has gone already, off to search for their destiny, dealing with what life gave them and some facing the what their life has become. We all are, actually the only difference is that we are still together for now. Drawing strength from each other, feeding on the fruits of life and jumping over hurdles together. These will come to an end someday, we have to part ways. That makes me want to look at them longer and cherish every moment...

Close your eyes,

Make a wish,

This could last forever,

If only you could stay with me now...

Yesterday, LA came and treated us to lunch. I didn't know he already came back and is off to leave again. It was nice to see him after a long time. Most of us ordered Lechong Kawali and as I chew on my fatty lunch and laugh with the rest of the guys as one joke about the other. I'll be missing those faces, the loud laughs, the punchlines, green jokes, the tears, even the silence. It's really hard to let go of people whom you have made a special attachment with and those stuff with them and about them that you are already used to. We also played DotA. Of course, we won, Randy, Patrick S. and I against Benedict, Patrick V. and someone I don't know. I'm a lousy player but it sure was nice that the guys would still accept me as a teammate. Haha! And earlier, they had a basketball game and I went there just to watch 'cause I have no exam scheduled today. I missed the Ganti episode for today because I hanged out with the guys but I don't mind because time slips away so fast and I can't afford to miss this one and I have to be there while it last...

... It's the chance I take,

even if I break...

One fine day, so fine I'm loving it!

If anybody has observed (man, is there somethign wrong with my grammar? I'm not so damn sure of what I wrote), I'm fixing my blog one piece at a time. I started with the background, the colors, now I added advertisements and a shoutbox. I wish I know how to fix the whole thing, so I can match the colors and the size. Sucks! I can post anything on my own shoutbox because the stupid PC is Cookie Deactivated! I don't know how to fix it and, again, it sucks! Dang, why can little things suck bigtime? Anyway, it's Matt who recomended the shoutbox instead of tagboard. Yes, it's prettier but I can't post. Darn! Darn! Darn! Wow! Today's another appreciatedly blessed day. It was good that I felt the need to visit Dawn's friendster profile. I saw her website address and I got a lot of Cogie pictures. Wow! Lucky girl! She can get as close to Cogie, as close as she wants and even has loads of pictures of him and with him. That'd be the thrill of a lifetime, if that was in her place. But I have another problem, I've ran out of diskettes. My! It'd take some time before I can print everything and before I can reformat every diskette so I can reuse it for another wave of accumulation. Good thing I have my ImagePop. Haha! That was funny. I sound (or read) like an endorser, haha! My dream! I wanna be a ClubPen Model someday. Awww... Just imagine those precious Kodak moments I'll be having with my angel, Cogie. Awww... (mood: daydreamy) < ! -- Hehehe! I wish they'd drop by DLSU-D someday to do pictorials. Awww... --- > I signed up to a couple of thingies on the net today: myshoutbox.com, multiply.com... Who cares? It's 12:30 in the morning and I'm hungry. Haha! I got Cogie overdose. Man, that was yummy! Thank God for Dawn though I see her as a rival (feeling!). Hehe! Peace! I'm just kidding but, yeah, It's half meant. Haha, watch me laugh! Now, lemme check Ala's Multiply page... ... ... And I was wrong. It wasn't hers but her show's.

One lucky girl. I wish that was me on the picture...

Wow, Man! The whole file would fit 1 diskette but I have no more blank diskette! ImagePop to the rescue. I's upload it there for the meant time and save it on a handy diskette maybe tomorrow when I get to buy one. Ehem! I finally knew how to upload photos in my blogger. Darn blogger! By the way, Matt asked me to drop by his blog and read it or better if I can post a comment and that's exactly what I'm gonna do and probably I'll post something here about his post. It must be good or else... Hehehe!

What time can I sleep tonight or today 'cause it's already morning... I have no clue 'cause day or night today is very daydream and how can you have a good night's sleep when you're up daydreaming? I just thought...

List'ning to painted voices

Starry, starry night.

Paint your palette blue and gray

Look out on a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul

Shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and the daffodils

Catch the breeze and the winter chills in colors on the snowy linen land

And now I understand what you tried to say to me

How you suffered for your sanity, how you tried to set them free

They would not listen, they did not know how

Perhaps they'll listen now

Starry, starry night. Flaming flow'rs that brightly blaze

Swirling clouds in violet haze reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue

Colors changing hue, morning fields of amber grain

Weathered faces lined in pain are sooth'd beneath the artist's loving hand.

And now I understand what you tried to say to me

How you suffered for your sanity and how you tried to set them free.

They would not listen they did not know how

Perhaps they'll listen now.

*

Was it written for me?

I try to recognize, blindly.

Hearing strange voices,

from whom, I do not see.

Blesses with hands like yours,

Maybe you are me

Seeing the world through your eyes,

Actually seeing but has no sight.

I haven't finished writing this one yet. I only started composing this earlier as I write my entry. I can't think of anything nice to write today so I did this tribute to one of my favorite artists. I don't know much about him but I discovered a liitle when I read this book at the school library with the title, Van Gogh Face to Face. I saw some of his works.

*

For they could not love you but still your love was true

And when no hope was left in sight on that starry starry night

You took your life as lovers often doBut I could have told you

This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

Starry, starry night Portraits hung in empty halls frameless heads on nameless walls

With eyes that watch the world and can't forget

Like the strangers that you've met, the ragged men in ragged clothes

The silver thorn of bloody rose lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

And now I think I know what you tried to say to me

How you suffered for your sanity, how you tried to set them free.

They would not listen they're not list'ning still perhaps They never will.

***********************************************************************************************

Don't even try stealing my work! I found out that there are some people, VERY STUPID ONES, who copy other people's personal blog entry like what happend to my friend. I haven't seen that person's blog yet and I have no idea about his intention but he could've atleast asked permission from the owner. Maybe he'll use it for reviewing or for sampling but still you have violated the owner's intellectual property rights and you oughta be ashamed of yourself. Hahaha!

Climbing the Walls

Yesterday was a really fine Friday. I saw Sir Raymond, someone whom I haven't seen for quite sometime now. And he smiled at me. Wow! One of the very few people who believed in me. A smile from those people are always rejuvinating. I saw him twice. He reminds me so much of Sir Greg, who also believed in what I can do but I think I failed him. It's only now that I realized what I've done. I can't let them down now. My friends also believe in me and I trust it and I'll use that to give me power. I also came across Felson yesterday and we decided to audition for PPS together. That's one big step but I'm willing to take it and have the thrill of a lifetime. I don't really know I have anything to show there, if ever, 'cause I only know a few songs -most of them I onluy know a portion of- and I'm not confident of how I look right now and not even sure if my voice is competitive enough to get through that. But I'd still try it. Not only will I get to face my biggest fear - hahaha! It's embarassing to say but I have stage fright. I get nervous, shaky, my ears feels hot and my heart beats thrice the ordinary pace when I sing infront of a lot of people, even if it's just infront of the class - but I'll also get the chance to see the stars or if God allows it, I can be one of them (I'll dream on and live 'em!)... I'm not sure if I can do that in just a year but nothing will be impossible if I put my mind into it!

Nothing is impossible.

Impossible is nothing.

2005 is now at its 3rd quarter and so far, big things happened and more bigger things are bound to. Let's see... I was able to shift from Computer Science to Information Technology, Backstreet Boys has a new album and I got a copy and they are MTV's Artist of the Month for July, No more Gothicism (valid term? I'm not sure!), I am enlightened of what I wanna do with my life for the next 2 and a half years, I'm enjoying life more right now, I'm just 3 degrees (the least)away from the bright lights, I'm almost near to finding Cogie... And a lot more. Actually, I'm running out of things to right and I don't wanna right about Cogie that much 'cause you (reader) might think I'm... well, hahaha! Obsessed? Nah! I just don't know what to right about. I just felt I needed to blog today.

About the title... Climbing the Walls is one of the songs in BSB's new album. I thought using it would be appropiate because that's what I feel like doing because I'm thinking of ways to meet Cogie - climb the wall that stands between us. Sweet? Nope, it's loving! Hehehe...

State of mind

If you're a heart without a home,

A rebel without a cause,

Baby, if a reason's what you're lookin' for

Like thief in the night,

Let me steal your heart away,

If a reason's what you're looking for...

I'll be yours

I love looking at this like the rest of his pictures in my room. This is one of the newest photos I've got. He looks like the usual Cogie except for the stick of cigarette. I'd love to think that he's perfect when that picture was shot but I'm seeing the opposite. Maybe I'm just being plain freaky but his eyes are really lonely. I don't understand it myself. I just wanna be there by his side. Tell me now, Am I being obsessed? I get this certain completeness by just staring at his beautiful face, dreaming of the day I will meet him, the day that I can hold his hands... Man, it sounds insane but I really love what I'm feeling.

I am, as I write/ type this part of the blog, conducting a search in Yahoo about Psychological disorders. Something must be wrong with me. I don't want what happened to one of my friends happen to me but let's not talk about my friend 'cause that won't be proper, a'right? I've been meeting a lot of cute guys in school lately but I'm not as interested with them as I'm interested with Cogie. I don't really find that extraordinary but I just wanna know.

Then what happens next? I'm crossing the line to get at the side of the winding road where Cogie is! Hahaha! I have found a dream that must come true, every ounce of me must see it through...

*****

It's finally Friday! That article review gave me one hell of a day (if there's anybody interested about Nationalism nowadays, I tell you it's never gonna be me!). I had fries for lunch and dinner (yeah, i haven't had breakfast 'cause I woke up late and my class is in the afternoon only). I also had grilled clotted blood -i dunno if my translation is right but who cares?- for merienda. And I survived one week without softdrink except for a few drop when my brother asked me if I liked some and let me sip from his bottle. No more suicidal Gothic music! No more brain-grinding programming for now. No more Encantadia summary writing. I had no savings for this week because I had to but some stuff for my personal satisfaction. It isn't much not even the price but it sure was good. Surfin' the net with my 100mbs broadband DSL is getting old. There isn't much sites to be surfed. I find that boring. I still don't like Katrina Halili! NO TO KATRINA HALILI! Hwe-hwe-hwe! After the famous and ever controversial - so controversial that it caused the Philippines to once again want the president be ousted - another cd scandal out in the market, the ERAP GATE CD - anything new? After the universities' and schools' and celebrities' sex scandal fad, now this. How can we distuinguish politics from showbiz when everyone's career depend on publicity? Tell me how to be proud that I'm a Filipino. Why don't they just assassinate everybody? Non of these is fun!

This is not stinkin' assignment but a freakin' past time and so... What the?! Hit me 'cause these REALLY suck bigtime!

^o.O^ ::: Pffft! ::: ^O.o^

Dumb-the-dumb-dumb!

An article review for my Rizal course is due tomorrow but my head just won't work at the moment -- probably needs debugging! Neither 4 sticks of barbeque nor a banana and not even lots of water can give me the answers I need. It sucks bigtime! I've never felt so dumb like this like in a year. Shame on me, to think that Literary Arts is one of my favorite subjects and I can't even write a review on a decade-old (that's what it seems to me) article. The topic so not so darn interesting, one definite reason why my head's on a glitch. Boring! I'd rather watch Sugo (Go, Chard!). The world is pulling me down again but the Soul pushes me to go on fighting. I'm trying to change my destiny, building my castle of dreams for myself and for my prince. I can't stop now, nothing can bring me down and nothing should. I just can't and won't! So please pray for me... Thank God, not everything's bad today! I never slept, not even feel sleepy at my Psychology and IT class. I'm finally seeing the bright side of the Ms. Paguio, the newcomer in La Salle, and new member of the Computer Science Department Faculty. She's not that bad once you get to know her. She's one of the nicest teachers I had, in the sense that she's not masungit, just sleep-inducing. Hehehe! Another good thing I had today is finding Dawn Balagot's real friendster account. Now I'm 90% sure that 1 of the 3 Cogies I have on my list is the real thing. WOW! Cogie is the best news I ever had! Everyday, since I got the good news, is a very daydreamy day! Wellah! I'll be having my copy of Adobe Photoshop CS 2 next week. Hehehe... I asked Matt to burn me one. I can finally fix the picture at my blog header. So, how do I close this entry? BLAM!!!

FLASH REPORT!!!

If last time I said I'm almost near to finding where his condominium is, well today... I think I already found his Friendster account. There's this account in Ala Paredes' friendster named Cogie and I also found the account of the other ClubPen Models and so I believe it's really him. Hahaha!!! I'm so happy! I wish it's really him. Thank God I found Ala's blog where I found her e-mail and through which I found her f account and then I found Cogie's and the best news it, I already got him in mine... How's that?! Alex's right, life is really just and I love it!

Nothing I can do...

Something's happening in Makati again, seems like deja vu. I can imagine Cogie locked up in his room sitting by the window, staring at the world outside. He said he saw it when the mutiny happened, he saw a lot of accidents at the other side of the road from where he is. I wish I could talk to him to check if he's alright. I wanted so much to show him how much I care but I guess I have to wait for things to fall into place before I can get near him. You have no idea how much I want it, not at all. I have 3 Cogies in my Friendster but that doesn't give me an idea of what's real. I'm not confused, just clueless. It's impossible that he doesn't have an account because he has a computer in his room. I just don't know which... uhhh... Help? It was hard to sleep last night, just the thought of Katrina Halili being part of NAF is bothering me. She's so lucky she gets to hug him, and worse, lock lips with him and I dread that. I've watched a lot of lucky girls from showbiz kiss the lips I want to kiss myself. I could've been in their place, if I'd be given a chance, and I could be but then again, I have to wait. PGMA being ousted doesn't really bother me but live a life without having to look at those pair of pretty eyes will kill me. Yeah, I know I sound crazy but he's really one thing I care about. I can't help but imagine Lucy Torres' fairy tale love story happen to me. I would die very happy even if I'll be sent to hell. I don't wanna tell my friends about this because they'll probably just laugh at me, hearts out, big joke! Nah! But who cares. That's something they can't take from me, they'd just wish. Haha! I don't wanna talk about anything else right now. Yeah, exams are up already next week but I'll work on that later. : )

Just lucky or So blessed?

Sweet heavens, my prayers have been heard! Kat gave me the historic magazine and I already tore it to pieces. Wahaha! Well, of course I did so to add it up to my collection. It was already quite damaged so I had to apply my mounting skills which I learned from my THE class way back in highschool. Such precious (my preciousssss!) ought to be cared for and preserved. The edges and a part of Cogie's picture has been scratched and so I had to put something hard to protect it's soft, delicate sheet. Every page of the magazine has also been scanned for images and I got 'em all. What a face! I hope the day would come that my little hands would get its chance to touch him. I can spend all day just looking at that pretty face, those eyes that could see through my heart, those luscious lips... Awww!

The smile that made history!

Do you have any idea what I've just seen today? Cogie in his undershirt and boxer shorts. I was watching Now and Forever earlier and I notice his stomach. It's quite big. Does he drink? Ah, who cares! I still love him. There's just one thing about today's episode (like I really watch regularly) that I didn't like, Katrina Halili. I never liked her even back in her Starstruck days. She's kinda bitchy to me. And thoughts are running through my head like are they pairing her with him in the future? Ew! I can't imagine and I don't think I'm ever gonna like that though I'd try to take it just for Cogie. I'd still take him no matter what. Which reminds me... the magazine I bought yesterday has Cogie in it and he's holding an almost-done stick of cigarette. I'm not sure if that's just for the pose or was he really smoking when that picture was taken? Haaay... It doesn't really matter 'cause that wouldn't stop me from wanting to kiss him on the lips. I wouldn't mind if he's a smoker... Mwah!

Well, I gave my blog a new look. The blue and white, just isn't me. Black and blue has it, a touch of me. I have nothing more to say now. It's just a very happy, ITEC113-free, My-art-appreciation-teacher-appreciated-my-work, Conios-are-freaks-and-they're-annoying-me, I'm-trying-to-have-a-healthy-diet, I-like-psychology-but-it-makes-me-sleepy, and I'm-off-for-snoozing-now day.

Till my next post, Ciao!

A doze of E!

Today is a very Exciting day. I left home 1 and a half hour earlier than I should so I can drop by Robinson's Place to grab a copy of S Magazine that featured Cogie's condominium. I'm so close to locating him. I got the clues I needed and all I need now is enough money to go there myself. There might be others who are lucky enough to meet him and greet him before me but that doesn't bother me. I know the Soul of the World will conspire to help me get what I want most. (I call upon thee, Hear my plea!) That magazine article will be another addition to my collection. Hehe... Wait a minute! Aha! I remember Kat telling me about the Candy Magazine September 2001 issue (Fact: Cogie made history for being the first guy to make it on a Candy cover, and another fact: I missed that one!)s he has. She asked me if I want that one. Hmm... I'll ask that from her tomorrow. That issue made me search every single bookstore in Lucena that I know to get that one precious issue but still I failed and now, here's Kat (love you, Kat!). Truly a brand new day leaves brand new lessons, thoughts and memories. One of the gifts I got today is Enlightenment. There are certain things that has clouds to be cleared and the stars are finally coming out one-by-one. Thank the heavens above! I have never been Enthralled on anything for as long as I can remember and so the heavens allowed me to be, today. We were supposed to have a long quiz in Retorika with a substitute teacher today but good news came. A herald (a student from another class) sent a message from the Queen (Mrs. Escoto, our Retorika teacher) summoning us to the Great Hall (hehe... Tanghalang Julian Felipe). And so we went. There was this program for Fil-Am scholars from Hawaii. I thought it was gonna be boring but I ended up Enjoying what was in sight. (READ: My enthrallment starts in this part.) One of the scholars is a cutie, I remember his name is James Blocke (I'm not sure if I spelled it right). But that is not it. There was two intermission numbers done by DLSU-D's Filipiniana Dance Group. There was this girl who danced the Singkil and there was a certain glow in her eyes that reminded me of tales about sirens/ mermaids that uses some kind of magic to catch (is that the right word?) their men. Her eyes are speaking the language of the dance but of course there's no lesbianism as I'm saying this. I just know how to appreciate art when I see it. It seems like years since I've seen anybody dance an ethnic dance that way, down right enchanting. Speaking of eyes... I was looking at my newly-bought, fresh-from-the-magazine-stand(Booksale... hehe!) magazine. Sinking me eyes deeply in to Cogie's eyes, magnificently printed on glossy paper, I saw something but I don't know what. I must be crazy imagining myself tracing my fingers around his face, touching his lips, wanting so much to kiss him (Awww...). I'm not really sure what I'm seeing. Is it longing? The feeling of imcompleteness (is that a valid word?)? Hurt? Loneliness? I have no idea. I don't know but there's one thing I'm sure of: I need to meet him, some way or some how. I'm almost there. Wait for me...

Give me a hell, yeah!

I just read my Friendster horoscope and it really matches my state of mind. The stars says that today is the time for setting long-term goals and, hell!, that's what I'm gonna do. I realized that there's this one thing I wanna do but I won't tell anyone yet what that is. If anybody cares to know, ehem!, they gotta wait and I promise, if I can pull this through, this will be something good. I promise to take my friends with me if I succeed. I'll be praying and working hard for this. I didn't really imagine that I'd be wanting this and I want it bad now. Hell, yeah! I'm so inspired with my dreamboy, Cogie. Corny as it sounds but I'm doing this for him, to make my dream of meeting him come true. Yes, you, punk. It's time for me to cross the line to get to him. But then again, I'm not obsessed just fell inlove for the boy in tv and if this is the way to reach that distant star I'm dreaming on together with a hundred more girls, well... 'TIS WHAT I'M GONNA DO and there's no freakin' body that can stop me from getting what my heart calls out for. And that's the bottom line 'cause I say so! :-D PEACE!

This is..

As close as I can get...

Like a flower to a tree is how close I wanna be to your heart,

Like the stars to the night,

And daytime is to light,

We'd never part.

I want you to be the only thing that I see,

'cause I believe it's a destiny...

I got this picture from the tv ad that I asked Renan to record and take screenshots from. I think this is a good angle to look at Cogie, like an angel flying above his head to watch over him as he take that dandruff strip test. Awww... Wait for me, I'm coming not to get get you but just be your friend. There's nothing more I want that badly other than to meet him, and greet him, and kiss him, and hug him, just be close to him... I can't wait!

The stars knew what was happening. I was too happy that I tend to ignore my friends who need me. I really can't get him off my mind. I want to tell him I'm sorry for not seeing things come and to be there by his side and be his friend, his true friend that he can count on. I'm really sorry!

Stop me if you can...

It sure was nice to have your friends in the house. This year's celebration of my birthday is a lot better than what I had two years ago. The peopz were just being themselves and nothing superficial. It's cool 'cause it's just like hangin' out in Rotonda (famous parking lot slash tambayan in DLSU, my home). The party we had at home was not that big but I believe everybody enjoyed. Nevermind those who weren't there both those I asked to come and those I didn't 'cause even if I did, they still won't come. I don't want to call them anything but I think that's very nerdy of them and that's very annoying. They avoid your company like you're some B.I. And back to my peopz, they took a lot of photos and you'd even think it's Carlo's party because most of the pictures were his and has him on it. He really loves to stare at himself, doesn't he? Maybe he wants to be a model... hehe! Who knows?! Scrolling down, you'll see one of the yuckiest smiles I ever did. I look disgusted, don't I? My... my... My eyebrows look tatooed, my complexion's good and Val... looks like his normal self. That's good!

Look at my teeth!!!

Today was a freakin' hard day. I have found the most boring subject I after Technical Writing last semester. I had to stay awake but voices tell me that to sleep is the best thing to do at that time. My eyes were rolling as I tried to fight it. The voices are fading out and I fall into a trance. Taking Information Technology I is like retaking Basic Computer Concepts minus the good teacher. My head was aching badly when I got home.

Despite such bad situation, happiness is what I feel at this very moment as I type my blog but I also suffer the downside of being very happy. I can't see other people who are hurting right under my very nose. I didn't see it coming because I was very busy thinking of myself. Well I'm not really blaming myself but I could've done something if was there when my friend needed me of if he atleast told me that he did. I failed my friend...

The stars are telling me I'm on the right track but I haven't really started anything about my plans though the whole idea's already rollin'... in my mind. I can feel it I'm almost near to meeting Cogie in person. But something's bothering me. I don't wanna be a fan but a friend and be as close to him as I can get. Speaking of Cogie, he has a new commercial and I need to have screenshots from that ad. I gained new friends (CF and Jazz) though I haven't really met them yet and we share Cogie... Aaaahhh! That's cool! Hehe...

I gotta find a way and right now, I'm counting... If he could he just wait for me 'cause I'm coming for him... Just wait...

*****

By the way, my profile picture is the same picture with that in my YM and when Saint saw it, he joked about my being an emo. Err... What's Emo anyway?

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Thank y'all who greeted me and came to join me on this spend this special day. Thank y'all who wanted to but wasn't able to come but sent me their greetings. Thank you... thank you... I just turned 19 and I'm glad I get to spend it with my friends, well, most of them. It could've been happier if they were all here. Sigh! Anyways, things are meant to happen that's why they do but still I could've done something to have prevented it or somehow lessen the effect of some very hurtful events. I've been through the same phase at some point in my life and I should know how it feels. It hurts to feel so useless especially when you didn't know your friend needed help. My hypothalamus works well to make feel happy and sad at the same time. I finally had the conversation with Amor that should've already been done with days ago. I was crying on the phone but I believe he has no idea and that's good. I know I need balance and here's what God gives me. Thank you, Lord. I'm sure things will get better. Someday... Sigh! It's been like years since I got so disappointed. I was expecting Cogie to be in Sugo but he wasn't. I read some articles saying Paolo's role should've been his. My, oh, my. Darn you, Pao! It could've been better, I believe. We'll I got this good news from iGMA.tv forums: Cogie has a new commercial, shampoo commercial. Head and Shoulders. I already saw it and I wanna have a shot from that ad. That's the closest I can get to him for now. I think I'm going 'nuts' (uh... don't take the word seriously 'cause though it sounds cute, it's not always good especially at this point in time) for Cogie; I pretend he's with me like we were shooting a scene, we were being interviewed together, having a pictorial or, having a simple chat like we were close friends. Man, what can I do to get to him? Heavens, give me a sign!!! I just wanna let everybody know I'm here if they need me. They just have to tell me when and where and they'll know I'll try my best to be there. It hurts to say how things could've been there if I was there or if I did this or if I didn't do that... but, hey, that's how it works and things are happening for a reason, reasons which we will know in God's time. I never imagined I'll be saying this. It never came to me that this day will come, that I'll be telling my readers about the faith I have and how much I trust it. But here it is, to God be the glory. God bless us all... by the way, we already got the pictures!!!