Sigaw ng Pabulong

I'm crying out loud inside. What powers do I have to call out for to make things happen? I haven't succeeded yet. I don't wanna say I'm starting to fail again. My plan isn't working as I have well planned it. What would I not do to get what I want when I want and how I want it... I know I can make it throught this, I just have to wait.

Time has a way and time is all I got...

Anyway, I had a good sleep last night. The temperature was pretty fine and I didn't use the electric fan all night. I was up till 2am and slept till 2pm, which makes 12hrs. Right? I definitely had dreams but I cannot remember. My former Psychology professor said the subconscious works that way. Last night felt so good and better than the last nights that I can remember, must be the weather. And I took a bath before midnight and the water's cold but not as cold as the coldest I can remember taking a bath with. Chilling but not freezing and I was not grinding my teeth.

Nobody's missing. They must've forgotten my existence. Here I go again. I feel... uhhh... well, forgotten. Not that nobody really remembered to remember but those I wanted to have remembered me did not. They must have reasons but what can I do... I'm, like, so not part of their lives anymore. Past is past; You can reminisce but can never live back to it. My part in their lives is so water under the bridge so I'll just...

Let it flow... away from me...

Something's bothering me (and I'm not confessing) but not enough to make me give up on things. I just love thinking about it. I'm calling out to the heavens, can anybody hear me? I'm not taking NO for an answer, by the way. I've wanted this for so long now and I know I'm made for this. I believe in destiny, and I believe THIS is mine. What haven't I done yet? Or what did I do? Sh*t, I sound stupid! This is what happens when you want something so bad and can't wait to get it.

Dang! I wanna RAWR!!!

Will it be so shameful to tell the world I need a really BIG lot of money really badly? I am now! I haven't felt poverty until today, this moment, here and now...

Give me one shot of tranquilizer, anybody? Please. Or better, give me money to shut me up... Cash or check, I'll take it without anything in return of course. Pirate code says it: Take all you can and give nothing back. But I'm not a pirate, I just love Capt. Jack Sparrow!

Rawring, eh?

Star-crossed

I woke up to a beautiful dream this morning but you shall read none of it for I see it as a sign and I don't think I need negative energy to oppose what it is a sign for. Just wish me well. Not everything turned out as I would have wanted it to be but most of what dwelt on my day today are pretty fine and unexpected. For such reason, I am to sleep a good nights's tonight. I feel so blessed. How do you end a day like this? A night full of sweet dreams!

I'll call it a day... Good morning everyone!

Human Nature

It's good how well my imagination works. I seem to foresee what will be on the Concert. My heart is burning, I can't wait though really I am. At this early I'm thinking how I can slip through the security and sneak backstage and how to get a closer look on the Guys. I don't actually know how it's like to go to a big concert and it's my first time to go to where it'll be held. It feels like a Sheep in the Big City Adventure. I commute but I don't really go to places further than Bacoor and Dasmarinas without company. Dang! And have I thought I got everything figured out but well... I eventually will. Weird World's giving out Meet & Greets to member and I haven't joined the club yet. Hell! I still haven't got my tickets 'cause my concert money still isn't complete but fate will find a way. I believe The Alchemist and I trust the Soul of the World will conspire with the rest of the universe because I know they know how much I want this and how important this is for me. I sound like I'm desperate, don't I? Well, I am.

Does anybody really do good deeds without wanting anything in return? I think I do now. God forgive me for being weary but I think this give and take cycle isn't working for me. I don't ask much and I don't really ask for anything unless there's a need for it but... Why forsake me now? I wouldn't have done the same thing or would I now? I'm getting so tired of this having-to-do-things-for-yourself-since-no-one-else-will occurrence. Will it never stop? I'm not talking about only one person here but a lot of that surround me. Heck! And another, what would you feel if you were told you looked like a hooker in one of your favorite pictures which you think was cute? If I thought that way of other people, I wouldn't have said it. People can be too honest while most are don't. Now tell me who to believe.

That second part of the post suppose to be my entry for the other day but I didn't feel like blogging that day. Whoot-whoow! My Google Ad's not doing any good so is my chatterbox; Maybe placing my message board on The Next Page wasn't a good idea after all though it helped a lot with keeping the blog from looking messy and mixed up. It's one inevitable reality I'm facing: Nobody would care to read your blog if you're not famous. Yeah, I'm comparing my journal to that of this celebrity's. It's not that she started to blog a lot earlier than I ever discovered the existence of such thing but you can tell by the comments she's getting on her every post. Not everything's so interesting but everybody loves to read her posts. I'm being bitter and jealous. And the fact hits me again: No matter how many people you got around you, you can't get every single person to care as much as you would want them to. You always care too much for people but get very little or none at all of the care you'd love to be reciprocated by those you care for. Wordy? They deserve it!

My dad gave me 500 bucks yesterday, seems to be a good compensation but still can't buy me the things I want for Christmas: front row tickets, membership and backstage pass. My dream gadgets can wait and they are way too expensive for me at the moment though i have the people to buy them for me like my Mommy (Poppa's mother who's in Germany), Tita Cris (Poppa's sister and also my ninang who's in Colorado), Daddy K (Poppa's step father also in Germany), Kuya Lito, Ate Love and Ate Lovely (Poppa's cousins who take care of us when we still in Manila when we were still little, who's now in Canada) and loads of Godparents everywhere but I haven't the guts to ask 'cause that'll be like stripping off my pride, devouring me alive... I don't wanna give anybody the power to make SUMBAT of me. I'd rather have nothing and I've always been bitter about promises ever since they promised me that piano when I was little. I was forced to learn that dreaded thing and was told I'll be bought a piano. Then I learnt and loved playing the instrument but there was no piano, never came. Until I've grown up to be what I am today, lost almost everything I know about it and the skill but still there is no sign of that piano. I'm just a dreamer now. Ugh, memories!

Now, you can see my entries are more of rants than raves. Blogging, indeed, is an angst mark'd art. Piece of literary work that speak mostly of youthful apprehension, repressed emotions, and undying devotion... Haha!

Merrier Christmas...

Yay! Got the CABLE back! What could get better than that, aside from the concert? Ahahaha! And chewing on tiny, bittersweet but chocolatey coin-shaped cookies? Ahihi! I can finally watch NGC again! Like at this very hour, the Great White Shark's on the tv... Ahihi! And I asked Vivienne to send me the WWE Schedules so I can watch. Oh, happy! happy!

No wonder

Now I understand why I never cared to learn singing formally, perhaps I knew it wasn't for me. I've decided but unless something good happens, there's no changing my mind. Have I ever relly dreamt of being a singing superstar someday? Not sure. I recall, wishing to be an actress and someday singing with the Backstreet Boys as a part of the group but be a diva or a rockstar... not really.

I wanna sing on top of a mountain, and have my voice be heard through the wind. I wanna be a voice behind a lullaby that heals a tired soul. I wanna plunge into an adventure of a lifetime in a diferent world filled with magic like those kids in the movies Magic Kingdom and Magic Temple. Ahaha! Funny? That is my world!

I can breathe now. I've taken off some of the baggages I've been carrying almost forever. I feel so free now than I ever felt these past few years...

THEY saved me once again, as always.

Yay! Tickets now on sale! I'm so aiming for that front row tix and I'm definitely havin' it! Ahaha! I'm ready to make sacrifices: cutting down on Christmas shopping, miss some of the movies I plan to see, save on my daily allowance, excuse myself in barkada getaways for a few weeks, skip my Jollibee Day... I think it's worth it. Ohweeee! Now, I just have to know how to go to the venue and how to get home from there. I was never good in directions, not sure with maps either but I'll find a way... Pahatid? Ahihi! Well, well!

Can you tell how excited I am? You think you know but you have no idea!!

Drawing the Line

Now Playing: GO TO DISTANCE - MICHAEL BOLTON

I remember being sent with a text message by friend that said something like: Giving up is ceasing to hold on what was rightfully yours while Letting go is ceasing to hold on to something that was never yours. I'm not sure if I remember it right but it sure makes sense. When do you really stop holding on?

I came to realize just a few nights ago that stardom or even wishing for it was never for me. Pretending to be able to take the pressure and the tension of wanting that much is too much for me to handle. I hoped to start from simple things wishing to make it big someday but even the small beginning I've dreamt of making great turn out to be some disaster. Somethings are meant to be, same as, some are not and this seems to be one of it. Let me drift into the galaxy of stars without having to be there. This is not self-pity, not at all, I just think I've already hoped too much and letting go is timely.

I may be disappointing those few who believed and still believes in me. I, too, believed I can make it in showbiz but I was never trained for it nor have I learned it from anybody, anywhere. I was and still a dreamy-eyed child, who has her own world, loves Backstreet Boys, draws anything, anywhere, sings to herself, plays alone; That was basically me. I never stoped dreaming and I already made it big in my dreams.

I enjoyed joining and quitting bands a couple of times, having to embarrass ourselves infront of the whole university, it was such a thrill stepping in to GMA to try out for Pinoy Pop Superstar, it was a shame that I had to sing Lupang Hinirang with wrong lyrics and a runny nose in a Seminar-Workshop, join a singing contest having to swallow the side comments, not hearing your voice and forgetting the lyrics... These were the things and more that I had to experience, ad I believe I already had enough. Not that I don't want any more but there's gotta be something better for me than those. I said I'd try it again and do some more stuffs with the people I usually do it with but they gotta understand I'm in search of something more.

I was told there is more to life than we're having today.

I know what I'm trying to say is still vague. I can't find the right words and I cannot find it in myself to say truly and exactly what I conceal.

Where I'm meant to be, is what I wanna know. What fate am I to embrace? Now I know why I came to love Disney's Hercules, I'm just like him. I won't tell why...

I get teary-eyed when I see people younger than I am who achieved a lot more than I have, I know I'm better than them but they had more chance.

Will I ever have my hero's welcome? Who knows...

Advent

You think you know but you have no idea...

Excuse me for a moment, I'm in another world!

Now tell me, who need a boyfriend when I have every fantasy I need in my lifetime, in my head and heart. Haha! You can laugh at me but I'm just being true to my heart.

Let's see... Oh, well! the diary starts here. I will begin the documentation of my days before the concert; while I wait, while I dream, while I drool [yes, drool! my nose will probably bleed when that special day comes]... It feels so good! I know this is a good way to start the coming year and the days to come. Most of my friends do not understand what this means to me [for that I think them shallow], the same way that I don't quite have an idea of what they value in their lives but... who cares?

Exams and Etheria up tomorrow. Weeee.... Whoa!

I've seen and heard a lot of things that now I wanna possess but things have to wait... My, oh, my! I want them all for my self... Waaaah! Those videos, those songs, those gadgets... stuffs... everything!

Stop me if you can!

Supply and demand

Tension's building inside of me. I still have no clue who's handling the BSB concert, GMA or ABS-CBN? I really need to know! Ah! I've been searching the net for any information but found nothing. I can't stop thinking of the things to come and... I don't know! Waaah!

My "beautiful" body's drawing attention again. WTF?! I know how fat I'm becoming but you don't have to remind me like I never knew. Do they really think I love having big belly, arms ang thighs and have my favorite clothes not fit on me? HELL! I have less physical work today that I had when I was in highschool or when I still had PE class. I'm not into working out not am I a health buff... it's totally out of my league. But I definitely know the right people to help me lose some body fat through surgery. There is a way I can get them for free but 'm just not ready. But once I get it, they'll [every one of them] regret calling me what they called me. I remember every name they gave me being fat.

Exams are up next week then Christmas break. Oh, well...

Good vibes, bad vibes... It's nice to know I still feel belongingness with my former blockmates but it feels better to feel that I have a new familty in school, in the person of my new block but things doesn't feel that right. They are all nice but I don't feel any warmth. They must've built the friendship within themselves but I can't seem to get in. I feel like I can never belong. It's like they're just my classmates, nothing more than that. I just don't feel the vibes and there isn't any mix. Well, I don't mind anymore, I still have friends in BCS though they'll be gone next year when they graduate. I'll eventually have to move on, meet a lot more, new people, and take the same path that they'll take.

Backtreets' coming and I'm going... Stop if you can... But I don't think that's ever so possible... Once I've decided what I want to have, I'll be into so grabbing it and my claws and pincers are ready to rip off any finger that gets in the way. Be warned!

I wonder where can I get backstage passes. I'd love to get free front row tickets. I'd love to be a member of Weird World but I don't have money for the membership fee... I hope my Google Adsense's doing good. Oh, hey! To everyone who comes by this blog and reads it, please don't forget to click on the Google Ad down the right --->. You'll be doing me great favor and help earn money 'cause I need it badly since almost everything buyable in existence in this country is increasing its prices. And my demands are growing but my resourse is scarcer than the rest who has the same need as myself.

Haaay, Naku!

More next time

I went to disturb the peace of the Amor household today. I uploaded the pictures from my phone and posted it on my Friendster. Good thing they have a pretty laptop, has infrared. Haha! Almost emptied the my phone of all those unnecessary pictures; not that they're not important but my pictures are still my priority. And I already downloaded the I Still... video for my phone. Oui!

No classes tomorrow. No money. But my sources of funds for the Concert of the Lifetime are ready unless anything goes wrong but surely I'll find a way for nothing can stop me, baby.

I can't help the way I feel
'Cause you got me, yeah
All these elements are real
They come from deep within me
I would move heaven and earth for this fire,
For this ocean, I'd fight for you
Let this emotional wind take us higher
And there's nothing we can't do
I love you,
This power is greater than the forces of nature

Oh, I'm sleepy na!

I'm bored!

Wow! A comet caught on video in Australia, what could get cooler than that?

The Never Gone Tour, what else? I abhor the fact that most people deem my love to be idolatry; it's just so blaphemous. They do not understand anything but they still believe whatever they want to. Scornful mongers!

I'm so sleepy...

Saint thinks the Friendster testimonial I made for him was funny. Well, it should be! He said he wanted something to make him smile and he gets more than just smiling. I didn't think I had that very good sense of humor though and ah... I must be a natural comedian without me knowing it. Oh, well, doesn't really matter as long as long as I make some of the people I know happy by just being me. Blah-blah.

So...

Be right back, nest post...

Dissolute sensuousity

I can feel the vibe and the mix through the silence. It's all over me, OUI!!! Everything seems to be doing good, y'all! i was chatting at iGMA.tv this afternoon during SOP and I asked anybody about the BSB Concert and Gabby E's exact statements were: GMA ata may hawak sa Backstreet. Ain't that something good to anticipate?

I found and got myself new BSB MP3s off their Never Gone Selection, mostly B-Sides and Unreleased. I can't get no satisfaction, baby.

Things seem to be working out very fine except that we still don't have the ERD we need for our DBMS Case Study, we can't contact the person I wish could've helped us. My, oh, my. I dunno anybody else to contact. Omigolay!

No news about Cogie except for that Captain Barbell thingy that GMA would be coming up with next year after Sugo. I hope it's not Richard again 'cause he's kinda overexposed and... I just don't like him.

Nothing much, really.

The post is kinda unrelated with the title but that's the best so far that I can come up with today. Oh well...

Oh, baby!

Westlife did a BSB song [Colour My World, which was never included in the Never Gone album but I think should've been 'cause it's good] and a Nick Carter Solo [Heart Without A Home off of his solo album Now or Never]. I actually downloaded it with my LimeWire. Just wanna check out if they gave it justice. And I still prefer the original and that's BSB's! Haha! Now who's best? Why don't they come up with originals anymore? Almost everything they've been having these past few years are revivals. Hmmm... And I read that Bryan McFadden's looking forward to collaborating with Nick. Oh, well...

My brain's fully loaded. The Concert!!! How can I get to visit them backstage? I want to... I love to... I need to... Aaaaaahhh! How do I do that? *Think. Think*

Okay, that's it. Wala na 'kong maisip.

Bye!

Oh! I've just seen this video of BSB singing through megaphones with no lights on. Must be brownout. Awww! Sweet!

Stuck in a moment

I can't think straight 'cause I'm too busy thinking of how to get money for that BSB concert.

What could be happening to my Multiply? I cannot access it for a week now. I gotta put that special date on my Multiply calendar. Grrr...

Somehow, things are set. I already had my tickets reserved, I asked Micoy to lend me his digicam for the concert, I asked Amor if I could drop by his place that I may upload files from my phone through his PC, I asked my mom to let me claim the refunds from my tuition fee to add up to my concert money and... Well, almost everything's in place though it hasn't fallen yet.

I wonder who'll handle the concert promo. If it's gonna be ABS-CBN, then I'll never get to see them on tvor even give their promo contest -there'll pro'ly be- a shot 'cause we don't have reception for Ch.2 in the house. I pray that it'll be GMA 7. I haven't heard anything yet and I conducted some searches on the net for anything about the concert but there's nothing yet. I just can't wait!

I was too sleepy today. Must be the excessive thinking. I can't sleep last night though I really was sleepy. My mind's off my bed. Now, that's rad! Haha! I can already imagine how things would be. I hope things go out fine.

I forgot what I was going to write. Haaaay!

Old school musicians here and there are coming to the Philippines so suddenly. Their country and people, I think, has forgotten them and WE don't. They probably know that so they keep coming though only a few recognise them or atleast only the youth of their time who are already oldies in our time today. That's something THEY must learn, LOVE THE PINOYS 'cause when they are loved by them, the love lasts.

I LOVE BACKSTREET BOYS!

I haven't eaten anything since breakfast this morning except for a glass of water and a pack of Oishi Prawn Crackers. I'm starving and I don't like what they have on the table...

Aww... Sacrifices!

My eyes are sore...

Yes, they are.

Capitalism 2 is boring but I have no choice but play it. I need it for my Economics project.

I need a BIG lot of money! Hell! Atleast P5000 before January... Waaaah!!!

I didn't think silly li'l boys can ever make sense. Mark isn't little but I still see him as a boy. He can be funny and both childish and childlike, downright honest and just silly. I hung out with him and Eileen the other day at MAH kubo when the guys passed. I think I said something 'bout having to go with the guys or I was waiting for them then he said, "Wag na, 'di ka na ComSci." Hell, yeah he was right and the words he spoke still ringing in my head. It was slightly serious and somewhat delivered jokingly but he made me think.

Maybe it's time to let them go.

After next year, they'll be graduating and get lives for themselves and eventually we will never see each other that often anymore.

Still ringing in my head. I was waiting for them outside their laboratory and it echoes still. But I can't find it in myself to be sad and I think that's good.

Isn't it?

Let me think...